IN MY EARLY THIRTIES I began to wake up.
Or, to put it more bluntly, and honestly - I was "cracked open!"
The Universe has got my attention on more than one occasion -
a motorcycle accident - where I had the tunnel EXPERIENCE OF NEAR-DEATH
a complete psychological MELTDOWN due to stress
separation, divorce and single parenthood - all of which left me questioning myuself and everything I believed in
an incredibly powerful enlightenment experience
a period in INTENSIVE CARE -when I didn't know if I would survive
You can read all about my experiences and learnings in "The Possibility Exists."
It took me a while, but when I finally learned
to stop seeking for "happiness" outside myself
- in things, relationships, possessions and all of that -
MY JOURNEY BEGAN.
After those serious wake-up calls, along with my powerful near-death experience, I began to doubt MY OWN PROPAGANDA.
What was the use of a high IQ if I didn't feel happy?
Was it intelligent to think so negatively about myself?
Why was I cut off from my heart?
Why did I do things just to make people like me?
Why did I think badly about my own body?
Was it intelligent to think I was bad and defective in some way?
What was I afraid of when I avoided conflict?
Was it intelligent to stay in a relationship which wasn't good for me?
I had no idea what my deep needs were, let alone how to get my needs met. I had no idea how to love myself. What chance had I then of really loving another?
Looking back now, over 20 years later, it all seems strangely surreal, as if I'm looking back at a different person in a different life. Back then I was a successful businessman with a great life - according to many people! I had read lots of self-help books and understood the power of positive habits and how to "succeed".
The truth, however, was that I lived inside a cocooned idea of who I was - and the big revelation for me was this : WHO I WAS HAD BEEN SHAPED BY OTHERS. I didn't know "ME" at all.
I had no deep connection to my true self. While I had a strong self-image, that's all it was - a self-image - or an "image of self" if you like. It certainly wasn't the real me!
I had become a master at pretence, hiding my fears and low self-esteem behind a projected outer layer of confidence. My passive-aggressive personality was also hidden away, buried by the internalised belief from my childhood programming: "I don't do conflict - because I'm a good person." I showed everyone how happy I was - and how sure I was of myself and my place in the world. It was too scary and vulnerable to let people see what was really going on.
I didn’t want to admit to the world that I was full of fear, and that I didn't feel good about me. I didn't want to admit to myself that my life had started to crumble, and that I had started hearing a voice whispering inside me!
Listening to that voice was the best thing I've ever done. It was that inner voice that we all have. It whispers things you know to be true, but you ignore them. In my case, it took me by the hand and dragged me, coaxed me, little by little, into having an honest look at myself.
And so I learned all about my defense mechanisms, my projections and my shadow. I learned how to hold - and how to let go. I learned how to set healthy boundaries. I learned to not blame others for being themselves.
I learned to notice all the energy I was wasting and then I learned how to reclaim it. I learned how to feel all my emotions unconditionally because they were mine. Eventually I found everything I wanted – inside. It was so strange to realize that there was nothing wrong with me. I was enough!
After many years of counselling, workshops, retreats, healing, psychotherapy and lots of other strangely wonderful experiences, I realized that I had been missing something really important. I didn't find it overnight but I can honestly say that, over a 15 year period, I did find something.
In a strange way, I found ME. Authentic ME. Creative Me. Passionate ME. Gentle and Quiet ME. Fearful ME. Little ME and Big ME.
I had learned a deep acceptance of me - ALL OF ME. I had learned to open. I had learned to sit with pain, mine and others, without trying to fix it. Finally, I was "coming home" to myself.
Many teachers and courageous souls accompanied me along the way. Thank you all for the wisdom and support you shared with me. Thank yiout oo to all of those who disagrees with me and took issue with me, and brought me to my edges. You have been great teachers too!
These days, I'm a little wiser.
I have more fun.
I create more.
I eat incredibly healthy organic food.
I still enjoy running, yoga, meditation, singing, playing my guitars -
and a glass of wine and a good boogie!
I love to teach and inspire people - to be emotionally open, non-attached to their thinking, physically healthy, and fully connected to their own unique spirit.